


Never Surrender

by devilbunny



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Depressed Thorin, Durin Family Feels, Gen, Never Surrender, Pre-Hobbit, Skillet, Songfic, bit of alcohol abuse i guess, dwarflings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 16:18:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4673261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilbunny/pseuds/devilbunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One stormy night all his thoughts become too much for Thorin to bear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Surrender

The rain fell steady in big drops und turned the paths in muddy rivers. A lightning flashed across the sky and in its short light one could see the tops of the Ered Luin in the stormy night. Immediately after the thunder rumbled even louder than the roar of a warg standing beside. Neither stars or the moon were visible, the clouds were swallowing all the light that could have taken away the terror from the stormy darkness. Thorin lifted his head and presented his face to the fierce nature. 

Do you know what it’s like when  
You’re scared to see yourself?

The cold rain water was slowly running down his neck and made him shiver. His hair was heavy with the weight of the water pulling it downwards and his clothing was soaking the water like a sponge. The colds drops blended with the hot tears on his cheeks.

Do you know what it’s like when  
You wish you were someone else?

Slowly he left the dark village behind. All shutters were closed and the world seemed to be abandoned. Suddenly Thorin stumbled and nearly fell over. He tried to regain his balance – or what was left of it. Also the pub he sat in was closed by now. How many pitchers of Ale did he drink? He lost count.

Who didn’t need your help to get by!

Dís would be angry when he came home – dirty, wet and drunk. She would sent away Fíli and Kíli so they wouldn’t have to see their uncle and replacement as a father like this, when he would crawl into bed like a living dead.  
Yes, Dís would be angry, just like Dwalin – he would be fierce and disappointed about the fact that Thorin had lost control over himself. And Balin would look at him with this understanding look. That was the worst – the compassion. Thorin didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for him. That was, when he felt weak and vulnerable.  
But that was no comparison to the self-hatred that now boiled inside him lazily and would wash over him tomorrow like a flood, even strengthened by the surely coming hangover. 

Do you know what it’s like  
To wanna surrender?

But he couldn’t help it. He didn’t know what to do.

I don’t wanna feel like this tomorrow!

Thorin had dreamed again. 

I don’t wanna live like this today!

Once more he had woken up screaming, covered in cold sweat and already half drawn out his sword without even wanting it. 

Make me feel better!

When he had turned around hectically he had sawn a light dancing outside. With a roar he had jumped up, his weapon ready to fight. He had always known! Smaug would find him and all the dwarfs he had saved and he would kill all of them! Thorin wouldn’t let that happen! He would strike first! 

I wanna feel better!

When the door had been opened up Thorin and swung around, ready to attack whatever was coming.  
He had been barley able to stop himself. 

Stay with me here now!

With wide eyes his sister had stared at him, not able to move. Nobody had moved just the blade at Dís‘ neck had been shaking as Thorin had realized that he nearly had beheaded his little sister.

And never surrender…

Dís had carefully raised her hand and tried to touch him but Thorin had backed off. “This bad this time? “, she had asked whispering. He had just been able to turn his head slowly towards his window – the light was gone. With a loud noise he had dropped the sword and ran off.

Never surrender…

His feet had found the way on their own and had brought him to the pub. It hadn’t been late and the tavern had been crowded. The host knew Thorin and when he had seen the dwarf stumble inside he had handed him an Ale without saying a word. Several had followed. 

Do you know what it’s like when  
You’re not who you wanna be?

Shortly before midnight the pub had closed – everybody who had spent the evening there had to work tomorrow. When Thorin had left the tavern stumbling and had sawn how the people headed home he turned to the opposite direction and had headed to the forest. He couldn’t go home – It had been occupied by a fiercely dragon. The house, the Blue Mountains… That wasn’t his home. All of this meant nothing to him. 

Do you know what it’s like to  
Be your own worst enemy?

His dream had started like every night: He still lived in Erebor together with his father, grandfather, brother, sister, his nephews… With every dwarf that was close to him- He was there with his family and he was happy. In that moment when the shy darkens and Smaug attacks, Thorin wasn’t able to move anymore. He had to watch how everybody around him got killed. Finally the dragon turned around to him and smiled diabolic. Too weak, Oakenshield!, he would sneer and the last Thorin would see is an inferno shooting towards him.  
That was when Thorin usually woke up and started to sneak around in the house, shivering, and check whether Dís, Fíli and Kíli were alright. After that he lay in bed sweating until he drifted in an anxious sleep from which Dís had to wake him just a few hours later because the forges of men were waiting for him. 

Who sees the things in me  
I can’t hide…

But this night had been different. Smaug didn’t kill him but instead Thorin suddenly held a bloody arrow in his hand – a black arrow as he realized. The beast was dead. But Thorin didn’t feel the joy and justice he had expected but nothing than a burning desire that took over his heart. Dís and Frerin, his younger brother weren’t dead. When Thorin wanted to enter the treasuries, pushed by this powerful craving, they stepped in his way.  
Stop this, brother. Frerin begged. He pointed at the amount of gold behind him. As Thorin saw them, his knees nearly gave up, so much wanted he this treasures.  
The gold! It drives you mad!  
Thorin wasn’t listening. The golden shine on his face showed his madness. When he did his next step Frerin grabbed his arm and hold him back. As Thorin remembered what had happened next, he bent over and gaged. He had looked at the face of his brother – that brother he thought he would never see again! - and had then in one floating movement pierced the arrow in his heart. 

 

Do you know what it’s like  
To wanna surrender?

Frerin’s scream had mixed with Thorin’s own as he finally had been able to free himself from this nightmare. When Thorin now thought of the expression that lay on his brother’s face – With a suppressed whimper he fell to the ground. He knew the meaning of his dream.

I don’t wanna feel like this tomorrow!

The gold sickness had driven his grandfather mad just shortly before the dragon came. Thorin had been forced to watch how the sanity of Thrór had slowly been washed away. 

I don’t wanna live like this today!

Thorin had been awake many nights, thinking about how Erebor could be claimed back. The result was always the same: He was too weak. 

Make me feel better!

The dragon wasn’t the problem – at least not the biggest. Dragons could be defeated, although it was very difficult. No, Thorin wasn’t too weak to fight a monster. His mind was too weak. Even now, miles away from the Lonely Mountain still the gold searched its ways into his thoughts, occupied his mind. That was Thorin’s biggest worry: The he would go insane, just like his grandfather once. 

I wanna feel better!

Now he was forced to live in these dammed mountains and to work in the forges of men in order to at least be able to feed his family. Every dwarf he passed by seems to shoot him disappointed looks saying: What are you still doing here? Didn’t you want to give us a better life? What kind of prince, what kind of king are you? You’re hiding here like a filthy, little scum! 

Stay with me here now!

Thorin hit the wet ground with his fist until he was covered in mud and his knuckles were bleeding. 

And never surrender!

Since his father had been gone Thorin had nobody to share his responsibility with. This weight lay on his shoulders and on his alone. If now somebody suffered that was Thorin’s fault. When the next lightening alighted the sky, Thorin tossed his head back, his black, long hair flying around him, and he screamed: “WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!” 

Make me feel better…

“Come home, uncle.”

You make me feel better.

Thorin nearly overheard the tiny little voice in the roaring storm. Surprised he turned around. “Fíli?” 

You make me feel better.

Yes, his young nephew stood behind him, together with his little brother who clenched scared to his hand. Quickly Thorin ran towards the dwarflings. He saw how Kíli winced when another thunder rumble above them. He screamed silently. Thorin sank to his knees in front of them and pulled them in a protective hug. Both of them were wet to the bone and shook wearing nothing but their pajamas. 

Put me back together!

“What are you doing here?” he asked as he lifted them up and carried them to the next house front. “We we-were looking f-for you.” Fíli managed to say as Thorin rubbed gently their arms and backs to warm them a little.  
“And why?” he asked again and his worries for his boys displaced all other thoughts. He looked at them and saw with terror that there were tears in Kíli’s eyes. Just as Fíli wanted to answer another thunder roared above them and Kíli clenched to Thorin and buried his face at his shoulder as he was sobbing without control. Thorin didn’t need another explanation. Kíli was scared of the thunderstorm.

I don’t wanna feel like this tomorrow!

“I-it wa-was s-so l-loud!” Kíli sobbed. „So-someb-body screamed. Tha-ats why I woke u-up. “Thorin felt the guilt boiling inside him. That must have been him.  
“Then I-I s-saw a l-light outside, s-so blinding! That w-was ba-bad and then it w-was s-so l-loud o-outside, it-it was l-like an e-evil g-growl. I ran t-to F-Fee a-nd then we wan-ted to go to mo-mmy but we could not f-find h-her! I-I…“ Big tears streamed down his face. “I thought the dragon returns! “ His tiny hand clenched to Thorin’s clothes and he sobbed heavy against his neck. Thorin felt the hot tears stream down his skin. 

I don’t wanna live like this today!

“And you weren’t there.“ Fíli whispered. He was pale and his eyes were wet. “You said you would protect us but you weren’t there.” His little blue eyes looked at him accusing. “Why not? “ 

Make me feel better!

Thorin wasn’t able to speak. He shook his head and pressed kisses to his nephew’s heads. “I’m sorry. “ He admitted with a husky voice. “That will never happen again. I will always protect you! I swear! “There he had it: That was he supposed to do – Looking out for his family. 

You make me feel better!

Kíli seemed to calm down slowly and nuzzled with a hiccup against Thorin. Fíli looked once again with judging eyes at him, with an expression in his eyes that was far beyond his age. Then he allowed one tear to escape his eye. “I love you, uncle. “ He whispered very quietly. Thorin smiled and whipped his tear away. “I love you too, mallen ion. Both of you. “At the next thunder both of them flinched a little but it sounded far away now and the rain stopped. Thorin pressed his nephews close to him. “Alright you two. “He whispered soothingly. “Let’s go home.“ 

Stay with me here now!

Half way home Dís reached them nearly in tears. “Thorin!“ she screamed and embraced him. “Don’t you dare do that again!“ she grumbled but laughed at the same time. “Leaving like this… I nearly died, I was so worried, I thought…” She stopped.  
“You thought I would do something rather stupid?” he helped out.  
She nodded.  
He bent down and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Don’t worry, dear.“ He said shooting a loving look at Fíli and Kíli who had fallen asleep in his arms. 

And never surrender…

“I will never surrender.”

**Author's Note:**

> mallen ion = golden boy


End file.
